After I got ghosted last year, I figured I'd start reading books about my own relationship expectations. Maybe they would help, maybe there was something I wasn't doing right and maybe it was all just me and I needed to change my mindset.
One of the books I bought in that state of mind was Toni Tone's I Wish I knew This Earlier
Rating *****
The first thing I loved about the book was that it was small. I knew I was going to finish it (you know how you see a book and you can instantly predict whether you'll finish it or not?) I dropped every other book I was reading and picked this up because...why not? How long was it going to take me to finish after all? But, a couple of pages in, I knew I had to pause, slow down, get my highlighter pen/pencil and really underline stuff and take notes.
The first thing I noticed was how the book was broken up into sections - The Dating Stage, The Loving Stage, The Healing Stage
Having the book broken down into 3 sections really helps to segment not just the information but also the emotion. For those of us who needed it, we could focus on the stage we were at and come back to the other stages when we needed to.
- it's important to know what you want when dating and focus on it only
- date people with the same 'dating vision' as you
- don't change who you are to find someone to be with
- it can be a lonely, long road
- you need to show him how to love you by loving yourself first
- it's important to have other things that interest you outside your love life
for when you've found 'the one' and the sparks begin to fly.
You've found him (or rather, he has found you *shrug*), what happens at this stage? Sometimes, we get overwhelmed and are so engrossed in the emotions we feel here that we forget that ultimately, humans are rational beings too.
Some of the lessons here are
- love doesn't just happen! It is a conscious and deliberate action. It is a choice
- potential is
notnever enough - don't assume the other person feels the exact same way as you. Ask and listen when they respond
- being happy in this stage is your own responsibility & not his
- follow your intuition
for those who have experienced the harshness and meanness of 'love'
Just like in the loving stage, healing is a deliberate action - you have to decide for yourself that you want to heal and you are ready for it. I still feel a sudden push from my tear-gland when I think of my experience, but I do believe I have healed. I had to be ready for it, I had to decide I wanted to heal and I had to release all the negative emotions before I could focus on healing.
I learned in this section that
- it is normal and ok to miss them and the routine of having them around
- there are people who just want to be present in your life but add no value to you. Don't let them in
- it's ok to block them and cut off all associations connected to them. It all depends on your state of mind
- it's not a waste, there are learnings you can take away from the experience
- It was written to help ladies who have loved, lost and need to heal
- It goes beyond just romantic relationships and has nuggets useful for familial relationships and other kinds of relationships as well
- Experience is the best teacher and Toni shares her experience in different kinds of relationships which we can all relate to
- It is advice from a sister who has experienced it and would really like for us not to go through it but to learn from her experience
Here are some of my favourite parts of the book
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